Helping a Partner Cope with Grief

March 22, 2022 Elsa Orlandini

Grief is a feeling that we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives. Have you ever lost a beloved pet or a dear loved one? Grief is about loss. It can be loss of a relationship or marriage or loss of a needed job. This produces financial instability that complicates the sense of grief. Helping someone to cope with grief can be hard. One area that we can’t be remiss in identifying is the loss of a country. Thousands of immigrants come to our borders daily looking for a better life. These individuals face coping with acclimating to a new country while grieving the loss of their own. It’s the loss of their home, their culture, their way of living life.

Grief brings intense and sometimes unexpected emotions that complicates the process. The pain that grief produces can disrupt your physical health interfering with the ability to sleep (insomnia or nightmares) and it can affect your appetite which can contribute to a compromised immune system. The more significant the loss the grater the grief response can be. The more complicated the loss, the grief may take longer as well.

Helping a Partner Cope with Grief

Stages of Grief

Awareness of the stages of grief can help with coping and assist you in helping your partner heal and cope with grief, or if it is a grief experienced together, help you unite in the healing process. There are 5 stages of grief identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The stages don’t occur in a particular order and you may not experience all of the stages.

Denial. When you first experience the loss, the initial reaction may be shock and disbelief. We are also trying to survive the emotional pain we are in. In this moment, our reality has shifted and it can take us some time to adjust. Denial helps us slow the grief process down so it isn’t as overwhelming.

Anger. Anger is manifested through bitterness and frustration. Some people release their anger by verbally lashing out. Be understanding of your partner but don’t allow yourself to be verbally abused. Be loving and nurturing and understand that it’s not about you, it’s about the loss.

Bargaining. This helps you postpone the sadness or confusion. Sometimes people think that they “should” have done something to prevent the loss from happening or somehow change the situation. An example of this is “God I promise to be better if you let this person live”. Understanding that there is nothing we can do to affect change in the situation leaves a feeling of “helplessness”. We bargain to give ourselves a perceived sense of control where there is none.

Depression. This is the most easily understood emotion in the grieving process. It can feel overwhelming and leave you feeling confused with a mental brain fog.  If you feel stuck in this stage, it is recommended that you talk to a therapist to assist you in your grief process. This is when we slowly start to look at the reality of the loss and it feels more present and unavoidable.
Acceptance. This is the end goal of the grieving process.  You can acknowledge your loss and begin to move forward. It isn’t that we no longer feel the pain of grief but that we are no longer resisting the reality of the situation and we aren’t struggling to make it something different.

Find support by connecting with people that are also experiencing grief. If it is a shared loss, be aware of each other’s feelings and understand that transitioning though the grief process is not a linear one and that you may be at different stages in the process. Don’t “assume” you know what your partner is going through.

Mobilize your emotional support network. Speak to friends and loved ones about how you feel and allow them to console you.

Express your emotions no matter how difficult it may be. You can be each other’s confidant and verbalize your emotions allowing a healing process to begin to take place. This is also the time where speaking to a therapist can be helpful as you navigate the grief process.

Be aware of the need to eat regularly and to try and get sufficient rest.

Be kind to yourself. Understand that this is a difficult process you are going through and be patient with yourself and your partner.

Don’t make major life decisions during the grieving process. You need to be clear headed to avoid making a bad decision.

Remember that you are not alone.

As the partner of someone experiencing the grief process, it is helpful for you to be aware of the stages of grief and how to support your partner through it. Be understanding and caring. Don’t try to rush your partner through the process. It will take as long as it needs to take. The important thing is that you are attuned to your partner’s feelings and join with them. If you find yourself at a standstill and feel stuck, our team at Miami Psychology Group can help you navigate the difficult road of the grief process and assist you in being the best support you can be for your partner.

In therapy, a psychologist, therapist, or counselor can help guide you in how to help your partner to cope with grief. You may wish to encourage a partner to also activate therapy as part of healing. Often, joint sessions, like family or couples counseling can help the couple communicate their needs in healing and teach the other partner how they can be helped through a challenging time. Therapists, psychologists, and counselors are all equipped to help if the healing done at home seems too painful or is not remitting over time. Sometimes, healing from grief requires the process of recovering from other losses. Professionals can aide in making sense of the layers of emotions and guide in the healing process.